Sheri Madigan

Many siblings, when they get together as adults, joke about which child was loved the most. But is it really a joke or is there an edge of truth that still rankles us?

In one study, researchers asked adults whether their mom played favourites when they were kids. Close to 85 per cent of respondents perceived that she did.

But surely once we move out of the nest, our annoyance regarding sibling favouritism subsides? Not so. Upset from perceived favouritism appears to be long-lasting.

It is likely that we will fret long into adulthood over why a particular sibling got a better deal than we did.

Is sibling favouritism real or perceived?

It turns out parents do behave differently with their children and, of course, children have their different thresholds for noticing these differences.

Small differences in how siblings are treated have little consequence on their later relationships as adults (photo by Shutterstock)

Researchers have studied favouritism both by observing children as they interact with their parents and by asking children and their parents to report on their interactions. How often do the parent and child laugh or play together? How often do they fight or argue?

These ratings are then compared across the different siblings to determine if one child receives more positive or negative attention than the other.

One of the reassuring findings from these studies is that when the differences in how siblings are treated by parents are small, it has little to no consequence.

It is only when the differences are large that we see links to children’s health and relationships.

Parental stress plays a role

Research on all different kinds of relationships shows us that a big part of how we get along with others is about the fit of personalities. We find one person easier or more interesting than another. The same holds for parents and children.

Although most parents love and nurture all their children, they will inevitably find that they are more in tune with one child than another. One child is perhaps a bit more social; another is more ready to anger, a third finds learning easier.

These differences in how parents treat siblings have a basis in children’s genes. Parents treat identical twins, who share 100 per cent of their DNA, more similarly than they treat non-identical twins, who share about 50 per cent of their genes.

The more the personalities of siblings differ, the more their parents treat them differently.

Another driver of parenting is, of course, a child’s age. Parents interact with and discipline their children based on changes in developmental capabilities as they grow. Age and personality explain some of the differences in the parental treatment that children perceive.

But while age and personality play a role in why one child gets more from a parent than another, over and above this are issues of parental stress. When parents experience financial strain, mental health problems or partner conflict, differential parenting or sibling favouritism becomes more marked.

Impacts on physical and mental well-being

Unfortunately, perceived favouritism can create a divide between siblings. It is associated with siblings feeling less close to one another, both in childhood and adulthood.

This finding has been established for both perceived, as well as observed favouritism.

Carving out one-on-one time for each child every day is important (photo by Shutterstock)

Popular wisdom suggests that the favoured child receives benefits from their special treatment. While this may be the case when favouritism is slight, research suggests that none of the siblings benefit when it is more marked. That is, when favouritism is considerable, it is associated with all siblings showing less physical and mental well-being.

Reasons for this are not currently clear. It is possible that children are activated by injustice. Or perhaps even when they are favoured they fear falling into the realm of being disfavoured.

But most reassuring for parents are the findings that parental explanations for why they are treating siblings differently really change the experience for children. Explanations that focus on their different personalities, ages or needs are associated with lower levels of distress for children.

Five tips for fairer parenting

Be aware. The first step is to be aware that it happens, and to seek out help or support from partners, family members, friends or health professionals – to try to understand why it happens. As a reminder, playing favourites is more likely to occur when your stress levels are high.
Listen. When your child complains or you see fights between siblings in which they mention one getting more than another, try not to discount it. Be receptive to the child’s feelings and think about why they might be feeling this way.
Provide an explanation. Sometimes, children do need to be treated differently, like when one child is sick, hurt or has special needs. When this happens, explain it to avoid any misunderstanding.
Avoid comparing children. While it may be a natural tendency to say “why can’t you be more like your sister?” this sets up an unfair comparison. Try to focus on what each child does well, without pitting them against one another.
Carve out individual time for each child. As much as possible, try to find 10 minutes each day to spend one-on-one with each child so that each has your full attention. Do any activity that they love to do with you.

Sheri Madigan is assistant professor, Canada Research Chair in Determinants of Child Development, Owerko Centre at the Alberta Children’s Hospital Research Institute at the University of Calgary.

Jennifer Jenkins is the Atkinson Chair of Early Child Development and Education and director of the Atkinson Centre at the ��Ƶ

This article is republished from The Conversation under a Creative Commons license. Read the original article.

New U of T research shows siblings can make you more empathic

noreen.rasbach — Tue, 20 Feb 2018 15:47:54 +0000

New U of T research shows siblings can make you more empathic

noreen.rasbach Tue, 02/20/2018 - 10:47

Cutline

New research shows that both younger and older siblings uniquely contribute to each others’ empathy development (photo by scribbletaylor via Flickr)

Topic

Ontario Institute for Studies in Education

Psychology

Research & Innovation

The Conversation

For decades, researchers have demonstrated the numerous ways in which parents can positively influence their children’s development. This includes how confident they are, how well they do in school and how they interact with their friends

Far less attention has focused on the impact of children’s relationships with their brothers and sisters, despite the fact that most people grow up with at least one sibling and they tend to spend more time with one another than with parents or friends.

Our research at the University of Calgary and the ��Ƶ shows that siblings, like parents, can have a dramatic impact on one another’s development. We’ve found, for example, that warmth and support from an older sibling can help boost the younger sibling’s language development and their understanding of others’ minds and points of view.

In a new paper, published today in the journal Child Development, we show that siblings can also play a role in the development of empathy.

We found that children who are kind, supportive and understanding influence their siblings to act and behave in similar ways. And if one sibling is struggling to be empathic but has a sibling with strong empathy skills, they manage to become more empathic over time.

Studying sibling empathy

A child who demonstrates strong empathy skills is able to show feelings of care and concern for others in need.

Learning to be empathic early in development can set in motion lifelong strengths in treating others with kindness, respect and understanding. Empathic children become empathic friends, spouses and parents.

(photo by Aman Shrivastava/Unsplash)

In the research context, we study empathy by observing how young children respond to an adult who pretends to be upset when they broke a cherished object, hit their knee or caught their finger in a briefcase.

We are interested in how empathy skills grow over time and whether one sibling’s empathy influences the other sibling’s growth in empathy.

What’s important in this newly published research is that we were able to remove the influence of parents so we can attribute growth in a child’s empathy skills directly to their sibling (and not their parents).

Younger siblings have influence too

We commonly think of older siblings as having a greater impact on their younger siblings than vice versa: Older brothers and sisters are more experienced and knowledgeable.

However, we’ve found in our research that both younger and older siblings uniquely contribute to each others’ empathy development.

(photo by Tim Gouw/Unsplash)

Older siblings can be role models to the younger siblings, and vice versa – younger siblings with strong empathy skills can be role models to their older siblings.

As long as one sibling is empathic, the other one benefits.

What about age differences? Does it matter if one sibling is much older than the other?

All siblings in our study were within a maximum of four years of one another in age. But we did find that in families where siblings were further apart in age, older brothers and sisters had a stronger influence on their younger siblings.

So, the bigger the age gap, the better older siblings are at modeling empathic behaviours.

We also found that younger brothers did not significantly influence their older sisters.

(photo by eye for ebony/Unsplash)

It’s not just parents who influence how well children develop. Siblings do too. And sibling relationships are not just about rivalry, animosity, jealousy and competition for parental attention.

Child development is a family affair.

Read the research in Child Devolopment

Sheri Madigan is assistant professor and Canada Research Chair in Determinants of Child Development, Alberta Children’s Hospital Research Institute at the University of Calgary. Jennifer Jenkins is the Atkinson Chair of Early Child Development and Education and director of the Atkinson Centre at U of T's Ontario Institute for Studies in Education. Marc Jambon is a postdoctoral fellow in psychology at the ��Ƶ.

This article was originally published on The Conversation. Read the original article.